Dane Cook Dead at 36

By Dan Speerin

In what has already been a rough year for the comedy world. Actor/Comedian Dane Cook died late last night inside a Los Angeles comedy club. He was 36 years old. Police are awaiting the results of a coroners report but believe Cook was killed under the massive weight of his own mediocrity. Witnesses say Dane was in the middle of a routine about how cheese shouldn’t be called cheese but rather an “intergalactic ninja sponge”, when an vain in his forehead burst, sending the comedian to the ground in a fit of convulsions.

Sadly, paramedics feel Cook’s life could have been saved, if his fans hadn’t mistaken the convulsions for Dane’s usual act, and continued on laughing for 20 minutes before calling 9/11.


“I thought it was his best joke ever, until he died.” said grieving Cook fan Carrie Dewhurst (age 12.)

Dane Cook: A Legacy in Progress.

Cook changed the face of comedy, when in the late 90’s he decided to replace punch lines with arm movements and speed walking. Though his style has come under much criticism, Cook set his critics straight in an interview with Banality Weekly.

“I mean every comic before me used real words – except for like Charlie Chaplin or Hippo Marx, but that’s because they were old and S*&t. Dude, of course I “could” use words to say something but then Chinese people wouldn’t get my comedy – Okay, Bill Maher and Chris Rock can make you think, but can they make China laugh?”

Cook’s big screen credits include: “When Loveable Jerk, Met Hot Girl and Fell In Love Due to a Forced Premise” “Good Luck Chuck” and the Generation Y classic “Love, Crazy, Woah, Bro, Dude”.

What did Dane have “Cook-ing” ?

Dane was set to shoot the Terry Gilliam romantic comedy “Shouting and Pouting” with co-stars Keira Knightley and screen newcomer Maggie the Monkey. The film revolved around “R.J” (Cook) a lovable jerk who pays his roommate (a monkey) to date and lower the romantic bar of his long time crush, veterinarian Charity Cisco (Knightley)

Producers feel Dane made enough funny arm movements and random noises at his taped audition, that they can finish the film digitally despite his death. A DVD and Blu-ray release date has been set for next Tuesday.

Dane was also told recently, that he finished his autobiography “Are you there Bro? It’s Me… Dane!” The book or “bookazine” as Dane called it, will be filled with plenty of pictures of Cook in tank tops while giving various versions of his “SUFI”. A first of its kind in the publishing industry, the “bookazine” will actually include buttons at the end of each sentence. When pushed, the buttons will make the book vibrate, so Dane’s fans will know when to laugh.



Funeral Arrangements

Dane’s publicist said a private funeral for the family and Dane’s Top 40 friends will be held on MySpace tomorrow. Dane’s supporters have already flooded the Comic’s comment section with their own messages of sadness.

The reading of Mr. Cook’s last will and testament will be put on hold until next month, after lawyers for Louis C.K and Joe Rogan filed suit late this morning claiming many parts of Cook’s Will were actually taken from their own Wills written in the 1990’s.

Dane Cook: The Show Must Go On.
Despite the death of his body, Dane’s ego continues to tour. Cook’s ego will make stops in comedy clubs throughout the Midwest until it finally worms it’s way into New York for a New Year’s Eve show at Madison Square Garden. After word of Dane’s death the “Deathgasm” tour has completely sold out and now has plans to tour throughout China in 2009.